What About When It's Over?

Folks are starting to ask about January. It's coming soon, after all, and our close friends know that we're waiting for 1.1.2011 to bust loose and buy all the things we've been missing for the last year. So they are starting to ask... "What are you going to buy first?"

I wish I could say honestly that we haven't started thinking about that. I wish I could say we've been completely transformed and will never think about shopping the same way again, but this would be a lie. We've learned a lot - a whole lot. But we're ready.

Actually we're so ready that we realize we're in a danger zone. In some ways, not shopping has become a way of life. I imagine it will feel a little weird to have new clothes or shoes hanging in my closet, or new earrings to wear to work. It might actually take me awhile to ease back into that kind of shopping. But the one area we've waited patiently to reinstate is Home Improvement, and we can't wait to get started.

We have a long list... a dangerously long list of things we'd like to do to the house starting- quite possibly- January 3rd (we'll be home in RI until the 2nd). This list includes ripping up our back porch and building a new one, renovating both bathrooms, taking on a massive closet re-do, painting just about every room in the house, and some very labor-intensive landscaping in the front yard. We've been daydreaming and planning for these renovations for months, but only in our fantasy-land. We have not adequately prepared for these projects by, say, setting aside money for them or being sure that we know what we're doing enough to not trip into even more projects and spending.

Fortunately, as January approaches we can start to put the brakes on just a bit. I think we realize how careful we'll have to be, and the last thing we want is to have to do another Stuff Stand-off in 2012 to recover from 2011. We can take on some projects around the house, but not all, and we have to decide carefully what is worth it for us to take on.

So the big word around our house starting in the new year will be restraint. Yes, we'll want to dive right in. Yes, we miss Lowe's like we miss our family members. Yes, we're desperate to go all sledgehammer on a wall or sink or porch. But we have to remember what we've learned, and instead try to be moderate, sensible, and thoughtful about what comes first.

So what about when it's over? Well, in the end we might start with new sneakers for Jonathan, which at the moment are higher priority than a new deck, bathroom, closet, front yard, etc. Novel idea - buy what you really need, instead of what you really want. And then, well, we might just have to wait another month or two before we can make a decision...

I want to go shopping.

Before I get into that, I should probably acknowledge the fact that I'm the world's worst blogger. I mean, I only took on this endeavor for one year - you would think I could keep up with a blog for that time! Given that it has been almost three whole months since my last entry however, it appears this is something that does not come naturally to me.

Well, neither does not shopping. This Stand-off was a cute idea and everything, but it's getting old.

Maybe it's the breach in the Stand-off that has me itching for it to be over. Yes, there was a breach. We were traveling to New Jersey for a wedding, and we stopped in DC to stay with friends there on our way up. We brought our dress clothes in from the car while we spent the night, and I said to my friend on several occasions, "I cannot forget these clothes here, because we can't go shopping if I do!" The next morning I was careful to grab the dry cleaning bag of dress clothes and we headed north to Jersey. We were two hours into our drive when my friend called. "Um, Meaghan..." she said, "your dress is still in my closet."

I thought she was kidding with me, to be honest. I had been so careful, after all, to grab the dress clothes before we left. But I had taken the dress out of the bag to show it to her, and after doing that I had returned it to a different rack of her walk-in closet. ACK!

So we're a few hours from New Jersey, and a few and a half hours from wedding time and I have nothing to wear. We pulled out my iphone (which I am using again - that story is another blog entry I missed over the last few months) and google-mapped a mall. Finding one along our current route, we resigned ourselves to the fact that we were going to have to buy something. Jonathan pulled the car up to an Ann Taylor, I ran in and tried on a few dresses, and then 10 minutes later ran out wearing my new black dress and jumped in the car for the last hour of the drive.

We had a great time at the wedding, and the dress was just right for the occasion. But we did feel badly that in a matter of moments we had to abandon our Stand-off for one night in New Jersey.

Here's the funny thing about the dress though. When my sister Kate was visiting a couple of weeks ago, I let her take the dress in case she wanted to wear it to a wedding she was going to. She didn't end up wearing it, and two weeks ago she sent it to me in the mail from Massachussetts. I have still seen no sign of this dress. We're far past the 5-7 day delivery promise of the United States Postal Service. It's like the dress just disappeared into space. As if somehow, the universe knew that I wasn't meant to have that dress. That in a year of no shopping there shouldn't be a pretty black Ann Taylor dress that still smells a little bit new hanging in my closet. Well damn the universe - I want my dress! (that's the dress right there)


At any rate, that purchase was a month ago and I'm jonesing for more. Jonathan and I find ourselves looking at the calendar, hoping that we can just wish the days away between now and January. We have home improvement to do, and shoes to buy. I have several pairs of pants that are starting to look battered and worn. Today when we pulled into downtown I looked at a store advertising 75% off all summer shoes and I turned to Jonathan and said, "Let's just give up and go shopping."

We didn't give up though. We went to a wedding instead. A wedding that I did not wear my new black dress to. I just hope whoever has my dress is enjoying it. It has only been worn one time!

We'll stick with this until January, and maybe we'll go through another patch where both the blogging and the Stand-off come a little bit easier. But for now, I'll be dreaming of new shoes...

Inspired to Simplify (and a lost cell phone charger)

Here's the thing about the Stuff Stand-off: it inspires me to simplify. Now that we've started to limit our stuff intake, we've found ourselves wanting to downsize, downgrade, or just plain get rid of all kinds of things around us. We've pored through our wardrobes getting rid of clothes we no longer wear. We've decided to donate our desktop computer (more on that in another post) and the desk it sits on because the laptop at the dining room table suffices. We've canceled our land line and are getting rid of that phone. We've given away furniture and various other items from around the house. And, my most recent decision, I've technologically regressed and decided to change the nature of my relationships with my iphone and go back to an old-fashioned flip phone. That's right, the kind that makes calls and sends text messages, and that's about it (ok, it has an alarm, but my iphone could practically do my laundry, so an alarm is nothing).

A month or so ago I started thinking about getting rid of my iphone in part because of a meditation my rector led at a vestry meeting. We talked about how messed up we are getting because of our constant technological stimulation, and how our ability to focus was waning because of how often we have our head in our phone, computer, whatever. I immediately related to this, as I have an unhealthy relationship with the iphone to be sure. My husband jokes that it's the third party in our relationship. Haha. But seriously? He's kind of right. I mean, this device can do ANYTHING! How can I not love it? How can I leave it behind when we go out for dinner? What if I want to show him a picture I took that day? What if we wanted to email that picture to his parents so they could see? What if we wanted to go to a movie - how would we know the show times without the phone? What if something significant had happened in the news that day and I needed to see the New York Times? What if we got lost on the way to the restaurant and needed my GPS? I mean, think of all the things that can go wrong without the iphone!...

...so you see what I mean. It was getting to be a little much. And I decided that I wasn't nearly as important as my iphone makes me think I am. I get work emails, sure, but they are mostly about scheduling outreach meetings or pool party RSVPs. When someone really needs me, they can call me. On my flip phone.

To be fair though, there was something else that went into the decision to downgrade. While I was going back and forth about getting rid of the thing, and starting to lean towards keeping it (loving it, writing a song about it, dancing with it in the kitchen), this other thing happened. I went away to a conference and left my charger there. Oops.

Now I still have a cord at work that connects the phone to the computer to sync and charges it simultaneously. And I have a car charger, which I thought would be enough. But as it turns out, I'm not in my car or at my desk for long enough periods of time to charge the thing. The battery starting showing as dangerously low all the time. After a week of driving around town in my car just to charge the battery I decided that the universe was telling me something.

Back when I had first had the idea to downgrade I had made a plea on Facebook for an old AT&T phone because of course, I couldn't buy one. No one responded, which is when I elatedly decided to stick with what I had. Then a few days ago one of my parishioners showed up at church with a couple of options for me. So I was kind of out of excuses. I also realized that I could still use my iphone for some of it's fun features - as an ipod, to play movies, and for my little friend Emma to play piano and bubbles. But it wouldn't function as a phone. Basically, that means not being able to check my email, or the news, or You Tube, or whatever at any hour of the day from any location. Which in the long run, might just be better for me and my pscyche.

In the end, it's not just the phone I'm downgrading, but my sense of importance. The world will not fall apart if I can't check my email every hour. I can find other ways to get movie show times. And the best part? If people want to schedule something with me they'll have to email me at the office. And maybe, just maybe, I'll be more careful about how I schedule my time.

We'll see how this works. I feel a little funny with this regular little phone, and I can't send a text message in under ten minutes to save my life. But I'm confident I'll get better. There is something remarkably freeing about it all. My husband comes home from a mission trip tonight, and I can't wait to tell him there's only two of us in the marriage again...

Michael's Framing Sale

Before I dive into this blog entry, I have to say... May 20th??? That was seriously the last time I wrote? I've got to be the world's worst blogger. I'm in awe of those folks out there who can work a full time job and keep up with the blog scene. Me, I've been storing up blog entries for weeks in my head, and of course now that I'm sitting in front of the computer with a little bit of free time (shh! don't tell anyone!) I can't remember most of them!

I'll dive into one of the topics I do remember though, as this particular item is something I have the pleasure of seeing every day!

When you get ordained, you get a fancy-schmancy ordination certificate. It's got nice calligraphy, a diocesan seal on it, and maybe a ribbon. They are pretty. And even though it's just a piece of paper, when you spend six years waiting to get ordained, said paper feels pretty good. One of the bonuses of being Episcopalian is that you have two ordinations - diaconate and priestly - and consequently two fancy-schmancy certificates. I've been admiring my friend's certificates for years now - it has been three years since we were all ordained. But I have been unable to admire my own because... well I didn't have it.

Evidently the diocese was in a time of transition right about when I got ordained. The person who had always done the calligraphy for the certificates could no longer do it, and they had yet to find someone new. When they finally did get someone new, my ordinations had long since passed. My certificates were finished, but then, as far as I know, waited in a draw for the Bishop's seal and signature. Then after they had the neccessary seals and signings, they sat in a drawer waiting to be mailed.

Now in fairness to everyone involved, we church folk are pretty busy, and I can see why a certificate would not be high on anyone's priority list. I don't blame the Bishop's secretary for losiong track of them, and I hadn't called myself. But I did wonder about them sporadically. A few months ago I finally remembered to call during business hours to check on them and see if there was any chance they could grace my walls all these years later. In less than a week a tube with the certificates showed up at my office in North Carolina. I admit, I was thrilled to have them.

No sooner had I opened and admired them that I realized they would have to go BACK into the tube until 2011 when I could finally have them framed. Bummer. But I figured, what's a few more months at this point? And that was that. I showed them to my husband so he could see, and then prepared myself to forget about them.

Then I went away for a week in early June to see a friend. And when I returned, Jonathan had a surprise for me: he had made a frame for one of my certificates! I was super excited. The best part of this is that the frame he made is gorgeous - mahogany and cherry (or is it curly maple? shoot... one or the other), and it's custom made for my print, leaving space for the seal and ribbon. It is beautiful. And if I had had a custom frame like that made for me it would have cost us an arm and a leg! Here I was just going to hit one of the sales at Michael's, and still pay a bunch of money! But instead, I have this wonderful custom frame, made with all supplies from our house. We simply took the glass out of an old frame we don't use anymore for the new frame. How cool is that?

Everytime I look at the thing now (and it hangs directly above my desk, so I look at it often) I'm overwhelmed with gratitude towards my thoughtful and talented husband, and towards our little Stand-off, which has now offered me something I never might have had otherwise. Let's hear it for creativity being born out of necessity!

A loophole? Or just plain wrong?

I find myself faced with a dilemma on this beautiful Thursday morning when all my Sacred Studies classes have been cancelled for Spring Musical practice (which is amazing!). I was approached by one of the parents from the Day School today, who handed me a bag of small gifts as part of teacher appreciation week. There were three small soap bars, each a different fragrance, and then another small bag with some things in it that I couldn't see. I have just opened the bag, and there's a gift certificate for The Country Bookshop, which I have blogged about before. It's for $15, just enough to buy myself a nice new paperback book, soft floppy pages and all.

I realize now, of course, that we did not build any rules about gift cards into our Stuff Stand-off. We have rules about accepting gifts - that being that we get rid of something in our house as an exchange. I just ran out of soap the other day, and toiletries haven't really been part of the Stand-off, so I feel like I'm okay there. But the gift card compels me to go to the store and purchase a thing that I would then bring into my home. Does it qualify as a gift? Or am I just looking for a good reason to go into my favorite store in town and buy myself something nice and new for the first time in almost five months?

I suppose I can contact the store and find out what their expiration date is on a gift card. But honestly, the likelihood of my remembering that I even have the thing tucked into my desk someplace is slim to none. Or I guess I could give the card to someone else and let them use it instead of me. But I have worked pretty hard with the kids this year, and am certainly not opposed to a little appreciation at the end of a long year. ::BIG SIGH:: I don't know what to do. But I'm open to suggestion... help?

Alleluia! The pants have risen!

This post is proof that magical things can happen in your closet if you just leave your clothes in there for long enough.

Allow me to explain. When I first started my job here, I went shopping for some clothes that I could wear for work (I was, of course, happy to have an excuse to shop). I bought three of four pairs of pants from New York & Co., which admittedly is not well-known for its finely made and durable clothing. The pants worked out fine for my first year, and a little bit into my second, but last spring when I would try to put those pants on I found that they just weren't working for me anymore. They were a little too short - one of my least favorite qualities in an article of clothing. I'm not sure what the reason for the shrinking was. I think, perhaps, I might have gotten larger, and not the pants smaller, but I'd much rather think that something just went wrong in the laundry process. Or perhaps I'd just gotten taller, and not wider.

Nevertheless, it seemed that it was time to get rid of some of these pairs of pants that are just taking up space in my closet, taunting me. A couple of weeks ago I reached for the pants to give them away in a donation drive that I was doing at the school, but I just couldn't bring myself to part with them yet. I thought maybe, just maybe, they could be the pants I had enjoyed one again.

This morning, feeling a little desperate and out of clean laundry, (ok, it's clean, I just haven't put any of it away) I reached for a pair of the pants, thinking maybe, somehow, they would fit properly.

AND THEY DID!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know how to explain this miracle. Perhaps my pants intuitively knew that this is a season of resurrection, and they felt inspired. Perhaps my width has diminished just enough that they have an extra half an inch at the end. Perhaps I finally have the perfect pair of flats that leave the pants fitting just right. Whatever the reason, it felt amazing pulling them on and having them button with no problem and then reach just the perfect part of my ankle. It was a glorious moment on an otherwise unremarkable morning.

Probably this won't help my general outlook on clothing. Chances are now I will just leave clothing that no longer fits in the closet for years at a time hoping for another magic day when a different shirt or pair of pants decides to resurrect itself. Maybe I should try on old small clothing only during the Easter season. Either way, for a girl who can't buy herself any new pants right now, this was a very good day indeed.

LOST

Back in January, it actually snowed here in the metropolis of Southern Pines. We've seen it happen here before, but on one otherwise unremarkable Saturday it started coming down and showed no signs of stopping... at least for a couple of hours. I was excited to have a good reason to snuggle up inside in my sweatpants for the day, especially because January is generally one of my busier months at work (though lately I'm starting to question my logic on that - which month isn't super busy?). Jonathan and I were enjoying the day when the unthinkable happened: I got a phone call from the rector telling me that CHURCH was canceled the next day because of the snow. Which of course meant that the adult forum, my after-church meeting, and youth group were canceled as well. This event was perhaps superior to any Christmas morning that I have ever experienced. I love church and all (obviously) but there is nothing like being clergy and finding out that you are spending a Sunday morning at home in your sweats with a cup of coffee. Suddenly, rather than scoffing or judging my fellow Southerners, I was simply elated to live in a community that closes up shop for days following a little snow. It was amazing.

That Monday the town was still closed down. No school, no church, nothing open or happening. It was still exciting to have a third day off, but understand that Jonathan and I are normally extremely busy people. We aren't accustomed to having three days in a row in the house. By that Monday cabin fever had started to kick in a little, and we were getting restless.

Desperately looking for something to do, we turned to our recently purchased Roku, which was our last major purchase before the Stuff Stand-off. Roku gives us access through our television to all of the movies that are available for instant viewing on Netflix.com. Sounds incredible, right? We thought so too. But as it turns out, Netflix isn't stupid, and all of the movies available for instant viewing really aren't the movies you really want to watch. Not that I don't love the 80s or anything - because boy do I. But I also like watching movies from this decade, and movies that actually made it to the theater. We felt limited in our options that day.

The one thing Netflix does offer is every season (save but the current one) of the show LOST. Jonathan and I had never seen it before, and we'd been curious. We had noticed that there was a slightly cult-like following to the show. Having a whole new day stretching before us with no activities planned, we went ahead and pressed play on Season 1, Episode 1. And the rest is history.

Fast forward to today. Just over three months later we've plowed through 5 seasons of the show, and we're determined to catch up to this current season before the series finale which we think happens later this month. And I'll tell you what has been lost: lots and lots of hours, a good deal of sleep for me, and any effective medidation time. You see, I tend to latch on to images and intense plots in a pretty serious way. I can't watch a show like LOST and then crawl into bed and fall fast asleep. Not when planes are falling out of the sky and the Others are coming and they don't know what year it is. I lay in the silence at night, or again in the morning, and even sometimes at church on Sunday (I admit it!) and think only of my friends on that island... replaying the scenes in my head or wondering what will happen next. It's completely ridiculous. But I don't know what else to do but just keep watching. Then, at least, it will be over, and I can get my life back.

So what does this have to do with the Stuff Stand-off? I'm glad you asked. The other day while Jonathan and I were watching just one more episode, we saw the episode description "in the landmark 100th episode..." Um, 100? Out of curiosity, we did some quick math. "So we've spent over 70 hours watching this show since January?" Jonathan asked. I cringed. "It's no wonder we've been bragging about how easy this Stuff Stand-off is," I said back to him, "who has time to shop?"

Here's the lesson here, folks: It is remarkably easy to replace one obsession with another. So easy, in fact, that you might not even realize you've done it until it's too late, and the whole first part of the year has come and gone and you've spent almost all of it glued to the television wondering how the hell they're ever going to get off that island. I remember many posts ago pondering how we might spend our time now that we won't be shopping and renovating our home, but I did not think that LOST was going to come into the equation. I more thought that we'd go for walks, visit museums, or find different activities to fill our days.

We'll plow through the rest of this current season, because we are really eager to see how this show will end. But I can't wait for it to be over. And we'll be a little more cautious moving forward that the things we do fill our time with aren't going to quickly slide into obsession.

That said, I have to go. I could have watched a whole episode in the time it took me to write this!

Only in my Dreams

I feel like I should mention that over the past month I've actually started to have nightmares about the Stuff Stand-off. It's not like you think - I'm not missing the shopping or anything. Oh no, my nightmares are that the Stand-off is over. Every time in the dream it's the end of the year, but we are exactly where we are financially right at this moment.

Part of what has been so great about this Stand-off is how much money we've saved, and we've really started to get into it. We've got some high hopes for how the rest of the year will pan out, and how much more money we might continue to save. So in my dream I'm all freaked out that we lost this great opportunity, and somehow we got to the end of the year without paying off some of the debt we'd hoped to pay off, and without saving the money we had hoped to save.

What I think is hysterical about this dream is the underlying assumption in my subconscious that as soon as January 1, 2011 hits I will start spending like a maniac. I had to wake up and remind my conscious self that just because the Stand-off will be over, I do NOT have to go back to spending like I did before it started. There's a novel idea: we can actually continue to be more careful and thoughtful about what we buy.

Maybe my subconscious will listen to my conscious self and I'll stop having those dreams. We'll see. In the meantime, I'm going to keep getting used to the idea that while our intentional year off will eventually end, there's a few lessons I might actually want to take with me when it's over!

Confession time?

There's just a few things that have come up over the last month that definitely toe the line of "cheating" as far as this little Stand-off is concerned, so in the spirit of full disclosure I want to go ahead and let you know about the items in question. Then, even if I've cheated, at least I haven't withheld information.

First: FLUXX

Fluxx is a card game that Jonathan and I were introduced to when we were out in Oregon for my friend Bingham's wedding. It's a wild card game, where the rules of the game and the object of the game are always in flux. It's incredibly fun and interesting, and unlike any other game we've played. We looked for the game before we left Oregon (this was the end of December) but couldn't find it, so we left promising ourselves that we'd order the game on line when we got home.

Well, obviously that didn't happen. We stopped buying things instead. But we don't know anyone who owns this game around here, and we've been desperate to play it. When my sister Kate and I saw each other last month, I saw Fluxx popping out of her bag. Pining for it, I picked it up and said to her, "don't you think you should give me this game so that Jon and I can have it, then you and Bill can buy Zombie Fluxx when you get back to Oregon?" I was playing with her... kind of. But I secretly hoped she would agree. She laughed and said she could do that, but then we lost track of the conversation and headed to the airport.

It wasn't until I had said goodbye to her and was standing at my gate in the airport that I looked down and saw Fluxx poking out of my purse now. My smart sister had slid it into my bag when I wasn't paying attention. (Oh, who are we kidding - I was probably in the bathroom.) Because she did it that way, there was no opportunity for me to have a guilt attack and say "No, no - we'll just wait until 2011." Would I have said that? I don't know. I think so. But lucky for me, there wasn't an opportunity. And now Jonathan and I carry the game around everywhere playing it at every available opportunity. We will get rid of something in the house in exchange, but I think is still a gray area. That said - we aren't giving it back. We freaking love this game.

Second: MULCH

After much hemming and hawing, we decided that we needed to buy mulch for the beautiful garden that we planted next year. It sure felt like we were buying something... but does dirt count as "stuff"? And ultimately, that purchase never even made it into the house. We just weren't sure how this one came down with the rules, but at the end of the day, we wanted to protect the investment we made out there last year. So there you have it. My garden is mulched.

Third: THE SWIFFER

One of the things I was most wanting to buy when we started the Stand-off was a Swiffer. We recently put in bamboo floors in our kitchen, and while they are extremely beautiful floors, they also show every speck of dirt that is on them. It drives me completely crazy. But we decided that we owned a mop, and a Swiffer wasn't a neccessity, so we'd wait until next year.

But then Jon's boss had a Swiffer wet jet that wasn't working properly, so he and his wife bought a new one. He told Jonathan we could take the old one, and I came home from work one day to find the thing in our front hall closet. Now we do have a rule about taking something from a friend second-hand, but the first part of that rule is that we have to really need said item, which is where this issue gets stickier. In fairness to me, I did pull out the mop to use it the other day and was disgusted to see that it was actually really dirty and probably in need of replacement. And I have been washing my kitchen floor on my hands and knees with paper towels and 409. So we sort of needed the Swiffer. But in order to use the thing we had to buy the pads that go with it. If we'd already owned the Swiffer, purchase of the pads would have fallen under the rule about replacing household things that we use. But as it stands, we did not own the Swiffer, and the purchase of the pads becomes and extra thing: more "stuff", if you will.

I tried to stay strong in Wal-mart last week, and when I was grocery shopping did not go down the mop aisle. But then, there I was, standing by the meat section and I looked to my right... the pads were RIGHT THERE NEXT TO ME. I caved. I caved bad. And then I came home and isntantly slapped one of those pads on the bottom of that Swiffer and went to work. I'll tell you what... I might have been cheating - but it was glorious.

So there you have it. Those were the three issues in question. I hope you don't think I'm a total failure at my own Stand-off. I've otherwise stayed very strong. But I can't guarantee that there won't be a couple of other things like this that come up. When they do though, you can be sure I'll tell you about it!

Missing my Crocs

This story actually begins back in January, on an uncharacteristically cold night for North Carolina, when Jonathan and I were driving home from the airport after a family vacation on the Oregon coast. Our flight didn't get in until midnight, and at that time I'm pretty sure they've only got one guy loading and unloading luggage, so it took us forever to get out of the airport. By the time we were getting close to home it was 1:30 in the morning - way past our normal bedtime. We were driving along chatting about nothing to pass the time when all of a sudden a young woman came flying out of the darkness towards the highway, flailing her arms and screaming for help. Jumping in our seats from the near heart attack it gave us, we took a second to get our breath back and pulled over to see what was wrong.

I know, I know, we were stupid to pull over, and we're lucky nothing happened to us. I tend to be entirely too trusting. On this particular night no harm came from my naivete, but I'll try to be more careful in the future. Anyway, the young woman on the side of the road had been in a friend's car with her boyfriend when an argument broke out, and the friend's solution to their argument had been to slow down on the side of the highway and push this girl out of the car with no shoes and no jacket. It was 24 degrees outside.

The very abbreviated version of this story is that we put the young lady in our car, and after some other adventures, she ended up spending the night in our guest room, as the keys to her apartment were still in the friend's car. Drugs and alcohol were certainly a factor in her evening, so the whole thing was pretty manic, but even despite that it was clear that this young woman was actually very likeable. After we warmed her feet in the bathtub, I gave her a sweatshirt and sweatpants to wear, which she swam in - she weighs about 90 pounds soaking wet.

The next morning we got to the business of finding her some help: buying her a toothbrush, connecting her with friends, trying to retrieve her stuff, etc. When we left the house, I grabbed my Crocs for her to throw on over the socks she was wearing. Any of my shoes would have been hopelessly large, so the lightweight slip on shoes seemed the most reasonable option.

Now, a word about my Crocs. I LOVE those shoes. I saw them on a waitress in Asheville two summers ago and promptly went home and ordered them on-line. The thing that makes them so great is that I can wear them to work in the warmer weather, but it still feels like I'm wearing my flip flops. Those Crocs liberate me somehow when I'm forced to dress like an adult on beautiful summer days when I'd rather be at the beach. They were my favorite summer shoe last summer. But two factors were in play when I gave them to this young woman that day. First, it was winter. We all know how hard it is to remember how much we value our summer attire when it's too cold to even consider wearing shoes with no socks. And second, a month prior to this event our washing machine had broken and a small flood followed in our garage. When Jonathan and I frantically picked up items off the garage floor and dealt with all that water, I had worn my Crocs. What better shoe to deal with flooding than a light plastic one? But I hadn't gotten around to caring for them after the flood. There was no rush, after all, because it was cold out. All of this is to say I had temporarily forgotten the importance of the Croc.

Fast forward to today. It's 80 degrees outside and beautiful. My summer work wardrobe is back in my closet, and I am avoiding wearing socks at any possible cost. Our winter guest is happily (I hope) settled back in her apartment and is living her life, and my sweathshirt, sweatpants, and Crocs, I presume, are in a pile somewhere in her apartment. And I, simply put, am desperate to have those Crocs again. When we said goodbye that day in January she assured me that she'd be in touch and return my things, but I knew I'd never hear from her. That would have been 6 days before Jonathan and I decided to do the Stuff Stand-off. At that point, I figured I'd have a good excuse to buy myself a brand new pair of my favorite Crocs.

Jonathan actually saw our friend the other day while picking up a sandwich downtown, and she asked for my number so we could have lunch and she could return my things. When he told me this, I grasped his arm. "Next time you see her," I begged, "tell her she doesn't have to have lunch with me. I don't feel like she owes me anything. But please... please ask her if I can have my Crocs back!"

I have little hope for their return. I imagine in the end it might be tremendously awkward for her to be in touch with me, as I think she associates me with one of the worst nights of her life - and who can blame her for that? And ultimately, I don't regret helping her that night. It helped me more than it helped her I think. But I can't help but hear one of my boss' little sayings in my head - shaking his head and laughing he'll often mutter: "No good deed goes unpunished, you know?"

You're not kidding buddy. I wish that young woman only the very best, and think of her fondly. But boy do I miss those Crocs...

Wet Shoes in New Orleans

I can't believe how long it's been since I've written a blog entry! I can assure you, lack of entries is not from lack of Stuff Stand-off activity, and is instead from lack of free time. Holy Week is a special time for us clergy (and I mean special in a somewhat sarcastic special kind of way), and the 16 church services (not kidding) that I took part in from Palm Sunday to Easter kind of ate up all my free time. Then first thing Easter Monday I jumped into a van with a bunch of youth group kids and a couple adult chaperons to head to New Orleans for a mission trip there. After New Orleans I had to sleep, go through caffeine withdrawal (ugh), and take care of a few things at work and home. I'm finally home for the morning with nothing on my agenda, and I am one happy camper. Blog time finally appears.

The trip to New Orleans was really good, as those trips tend to be. I'm pretty much in love with that city, and I encourage anyone who hasn't been there to make a trip. I mean, there's a few down sides to New Orleans - extreme drunkenness, debauchery, and excessive nudity to name a few. But if you can just look past that, you'll find a city full of culture, beauty, and - best of all - music. I'll go ahead and say that my time in New Orleans has been my biggest challenge to date in our Stand-off. I've been there four times and you would think that I would be numb to the countless stores in the French Quarter designed just for shopping tourists. But each time I go my love for the city grows, and so also grows my desire for the latest cute t-shirt, or for a brightly colored painting, or for a second Cafe Du Monde mug (the first of which I am about to fill with coffee). And this time Jonathan couldn't be with us on the trip, so I found myself really wanting to bring him a piece of the city when I came home. Since I couldn't shop, I ate. The French Quarter Festival was taking place while we were there, which offers visitors two incredible opportunities - music and food. While we listened to a variety of great bands I chowed down on food from all different vendors surrounding the stages. Crawfish pies, roasted oysters, veal and crawfish po boys, and fish tacos. YUM! I want to go back already...

That's not actually the story I wanted to tell you about though. I just can't help mentioning that when I'm talking about the city. We weren't there for the French Quarter (or the beignets) though Lord knows that's a bonus. We were there to help with the rebuilding effort that continues in all parts of the city after Katrina. We worked in a home in the seventh ward, laying insulation, hanging dry wall, mudding, laying sub floors, and more. It's a great experience for the kids, and I tend to enjoy myself as well.

Long work days make for stinky feet though, and so at the end of the long work day we discovered the best place for our shoes was the porch on the second floor of the beautiful home where we were staying. Most people would stick their shoes out for a couple of hours to air out then bring them in, but I found no reason to bring mine in. The weather was beautiful and even if it wasn't the porch had a roof over it. Why not just get my shoes in the morning?

Our third night there however, a might rain storm swept through the area. I laid in bed listening to the rain and enjoying it - I love a good storm. I never gave a second thought to my protected shoes on the porch. What I didn't realize about that rain that I was happy to listen to was that it was coming down sideways. The next morning when I went to the porch to grab my sneakers I realized they were soaked through. When I picked them up, there were actually puddles underneath where the sneakers were, even though everything else on the porch was already dry.

I had packed two pairs of shoes for the trip: my sneakers for work, and my flip-flops for everything else. There was no alternative to the sneakers. With ten minutes before we had to leave for work, I had to throw them in the dryer and hope for the best.

I spent the next ten minutes trying to figure out what to do. The closest shoe size to me on the trip was one of the boys, and I just couldnt' bring myself to wear a pair of oversized boy sneakers all day. I'm the type that would be completely distracted and annoyed by something like that. I obviously couldn't wear my flip-flops - they weren't even allowed on the site. And I couldn't imagine my sneakers being even remotely dry even after their time in the dryer. Deciding that my work environment needed to supercede the Stuff Stand-off, I decided to go with the obvious solution and run by Walmart for a cheap pair of sneakers to wear that day.

Just as I was about to walk out the door for the store however, I had something of a guilt attack. After all, wasn't this the entire point of my Stand-off? To find out what happens when I can't just run out to the store and buy something new? Even though it was a work situation, it was my own carelessness that got my sneakers wet in the first place. It's hardly the same thing as justifying the purchase of a book that I honestly need to use for my work. Besides, a pair of Walmart sneakers is hardly worth the breach in our agreement for the year.

With a sigh, I walked back into the kitchen and grabbed myself a couple of sandwich bags from the pantry. Taking my now-extremely-moist shoes from the dryer, I pulled the sandwich bags over my toes and slipped my feet into my shoes. With my toes protected, I wasn't as bothered by the damp shoes, and once I went inside and started working at the site, I hardly noticed that there was anything different.

In my line of work, we use the expression "this too shall pass" a lot as a way of bringing people comfort. Seems to me that expression can also be used when the urge to purchase arises. I was pretty convinced I needed new sneakers that morning, but by the end of the day my shoes were dry and it was the furthest thing from my mind. If I had bought those sneakers, I'd be one guilty feeling blogger right now. Instead, I'm just the proud owner of a very old pair of running shoes that have survived another week on a mission trip. Oh, and I survived the trip too. Hooray for me and my sneakers!

Me and Fritz, and the mask I did not buy...

Scanners, Security, and my Grandma... oh my!

My grandmother turned 90 yesterday. She moved into a nursing home after a fall she had at home in December and it became clear she couldn't live on her own anymore. She's been dreading living in a nursing home for years now, but to be honest she's doing pretty well there. She's gained back some of the weight she had lost and loves having so many people to talk to.

Despite how well she's doing with the transition, after her fall I decided that it was finally time for me to head to Connecticut to see Grandma, and to spend time with my Aunt Pat, my father's only sibling still living in the area, and her husband. It had been over 15 years since I had intentionally traveled to Connecticut for more than a couple of hours to see my father's family there, so a trip there was long overdue.

While I was looking forward to seeing them all I needed a plan for my time with Grandma. She's an incredible lady - strong willed, funny, and still has all her faculties about her. But that said, the hours with Grandma can get a little long, and she has a tendency to slide into some conversations that we've had too many times to count over the years. No way could I spend two days in a nursing home with her without something to do. So after speaking to my Aunt Pat, I developed a plan to go through some of Grandma's boxes of old pictures that had been moved out of her house when she sold it. Even better, I decided to bring our scanner so that I could scan the pictures in and take them home with me that way, and make copies for my siblings. I've wanted to get some history on our family for a long time, and this was a great chance to see pictures and to have Grandma tell me some stories.

I didn't think much of packing my scanner for my trip until it came time to actually put it in a bag. The thing is HUGE, because - of course - it is also our printer. I had planned to pop it in my carry-on bag with my clothes, but was shocked to discover that it filled my carry on bag in it's entirety! With the suitcase open on the floor and the printer/scanner practically spilling out of it, my patient husband turned to me and said "is it really necessary to bring this?"

I wish I could tell you that I calmly responded to his query, but what happened next was a mild emotional breakdown on my behalf while I lamented about needing a plan for all that time with Grandma, and how important it was to scan the pictures in, and you just don't understand what it's like... and so on. Feeling weak and confused, I sauntered into the living room and turned on my computer, quickly bringing myself to Walmart.com to look at scanners.

Turns out Walmart has really small scanners that can be purchased for about a hundred dollars. Scanners that would easily fit into my carry-on bag and save me all kinds of trouble. I started scheming to run to Walmart, buy a scanner, and then leave it with one of my family members in Connecticut - like somehow that wouldn't be an infringement of the Stuff Stand-off. I was so close to jumping in the car and heading to the store, but in a moment of clarity I came to my senses. Or maybe Jonathan helped me come to my senses. Whatever it was, I went back to my suitcase and neatly packed a towel around my scanner, filling another bag with my clothes in it to check onto the plane.

In my previous life, I wouldn't have hestitated to go out and buy that scanner even though I had a perfectly good one that I could bring with me. Even though I really didn't have to bring a scanner to Connecticut in the first place. My stubborn desire to see my agenda through would have been more than enough motivation for me to make a (kinda big) purchase like that. I can't believe, in retrospect, how easy it was to convince myself that the money spent on a second scanner just for airplane travel would be worth it. And on top of all that, I thought it would be okay to cheat on the Stand-off that way!

I was glad to have the scanner in Connecticut in the end, even though I did feel like a complete moron pulling the thing out while I was going through security. My grandmother enjoyed going through the pictures with me, and I heard a lot of great stories. The thing I hate to admit is that my aunt and uncle actually sent the pictures home with me when it was all over, so the truth is I could have just scanned everything in at home. But let's be serious - who's got that kind of time? I can hardly find time to blog about the experience much less scan all the pictures in!

So I guess this kind of thing is what this Stand-off is all about - lugging your big old scanner/printer around the airport, through security, into the rental car, and towards your grandmother. Now that it's over, and my scanner and I are home, it doesn't seem like it was all that bad. And I'm not out a hundred dollars and the new owner of a small scanner that I wouldn't really ever use. And I have great pictures to show my friends and family. Still, I thought when I was finally tempted to cheat on the Stand-off it would be for something I really needed or wanted. But another scanner?! Come on now...

Grandma and Grandpa on their honeymoon, 1943.

Books

Of all the things I've missed buying since we started the Stuff Stand-off, books are actually the thing I miss the most. This was a surprise to me, because I might have otherwise guessed shoes or clothing. But it's books... books are what I long for.

I just love going to bookstores, particularly privately owned ones like The Country Bookshop in downtown Southern Pines. The Country Bookshop has older wooden floors that creak under your feet, and beautiful shelves that have books sorted by topics more specific and fun than just "fiction" or "biography". The staff is friendly and kind, the Girl Scouts sell cookies outside, and the doors are usually thrown open to let the warm weather inside. It's paradise there. I love to go in and pick up the books just to feel them in my hands. And then, after I've touched them all and felt the pages and read the slip cover, I choose one or two to buy and take home - a small piece of paradise on my bed side table. I just love new books.

Sadly, I ran out of my new books about a month ago. I had some that I hadn't caught up with, but when the Stand-off started I went ahead and read them. Now I'm all out. And I'm longing for a fresh new book, especially one of those ones where the pages are all floppy and they have that little jagged edge along the outside - do you know what I mean? They feel so good in your hands. But I can't have them. I go to the bookstore to visit my friend Bonnie who works there, or to buy Girl Scout cookies, or just to smell the place - but I cannot buy. It's killing me.

Trying to overcome my need for new books, I took a trip to the Southern Pines library today. I haven't gone to the library for something other than a specific school book or a book on cd for a road trip since I was a little girl. I thought I might discover that I actually love the library, and that there was a whole FREE world available to me at any time (or at least during their limited business hours).

Instead, to my dismay, I found myself a little overwhelmed there. When shopping for clothing, I'm much more likely to go to Ann Taylor or Banana Republic than I am to go to Marshalls or TJ Maxx. Even though I know I can get great clothes at cheaper prices at Marshalls, I can't hack the shopping experience. I don't have what it takes to go through rack after rack, pushing through the jeans I'd never wear to find the one pair of Seven's that I could never otherwise afford. I lose my patience in those stores, and I give up after lame attempts at finding something good. Other friends of mine come home with pieces that I all but drool over. But I don't know how they do it. And I can't seem to do it myself. No, I need a store where the clothes are begging for me to buy them. I need them to be laid out with pants and a necklace that would accent each piece. I need all the sizes for one shirt to be in the same color in the same place so I can find the very one I need without walking to another part of the store. I need the space between aisles and displays to wander and dance to the music that is playing in the store. I need it to be easy.

What I found at the library was an experience akin to being at Marshalls. Are there lots and lots and lots of great books that I can take home for free? Yes. Did I have the patience to wander up and down the aisles looking for them? No. How could I decide what book to take when I can't see the covers? If they are only in "fiction" how can I know really what type of book it is and whether or not I want to read it? And why can't I have access to all the new and pretty books that they have in the bookstore? Anything I find at the library has already been out for a while. It just wasn't new enough, or exciting enough. The books weren't begging me to borrow them the way the books in the Country Bookshop beg me to buy them.

Wanting to leave quickly (as is always the case at Marshalls) I went straight to the authors that I know I like and grabbed two books. Now I'll admit, checking them out was pretty cool now that there's a 'do it yourself' counter. And then I waltzed right out the door, nothing needed but my key chain library card. It is nice to not pay. But I'm still a little worried about my relationship with the library. I'm going to need to figure out a way to find the good books in there without getting lost and impatient. I'm going to have to find a better way, and learn to love the high shelves that go on and on and on. I'm not giving up reading for the year. So me and the library, we're going to have to work this thing out...

Rule #6

Well, it's time to enact rule #6. To refresh your memory, rule #6 of the Stuff Stand-off is that if we are given something by someone else that we want to keep, something already in the house has to go.

Over the last few weeks we've acquired some stuff. I've kept track of it here and there so we could be sure to get rid of some things, and it was nothing major. A ceramic pot that went with beautiful tulips, a Coast Guard sweatshirt from my sister which was given to Jonathan at Christmas but needed to be a different size (it came in the mail last week), and a couple of books that people gave me to read. We knew that the exchange had to be made, but we hadn't gotten around to it.

Then this past Sunday I was given a gift at church - a big gift. There's a local painter in town who had painted a picture of the Blessing of the Hunt, an Annual Southern Pines Thanksgiving Day tradition that I have been able to take part in over the last two years (the Anglican priest in town does the blessing). It's a totally cool event, with the local riders dressed in their red coats, and the hounds prepared to follow the fox scent, and hundreds of people there to watch the blessing and see the horses ride off into the woods. It's one of those quintessential Southern Pines events that you wouldn't find anywhere else, and it's one of the reasons I love it here so much.

Anyway, this artist's beautiful painting featured - you got it - me! So there I am with my hand raised in blessing and all the horses and riders and dogs gathered around me. It's a great piece, with vibrant colors and a gold frame. It's unlike anything Jonathan and I have in our possession. The piece was donated to the Penick Art Show, where the money for it's purchase would benefit residents at the nursing home who had run out of funds. I would have loved to have bought it, but besides remembering the Stand-off, it was outside of our price range. Instead I simply admired it from afar.

But my great friends and parishioners decided I had to have it, and presented me with it on Sunday. And I'm thrilled. This is the kind of thing that I'll cherish for the rest of my life. But now it was officially time to move some things out of our house.

So we did a little "spring cleaning" the other day, given that it was finally 70 degrees here. I have to admit, I was a little embarrassed going through our closets to see how much we had in there that had to go. And we only went through two closets! For the purpose of record-keeping, here's what is on it's way out the door:

- Sheets. We had five sets of sheets for beds that we no longer have - twins and fulls. I was keeping them for some reason. Just in case we got another full sized bed I guess. But we have a king, and our guest room is a queen, and there was just no reason to have all those sheets. We even got rid of a king and queen set that we know for sure will never be used again.

- Framed pictures. Since we got a framed picture, we figure it's time to let go of some. We have a small collection of framed pieces (mostly that belonged to my dad) that live in a closet in our study that will likely never hang on our walls. We keep them for sentimental reasons, or because we deeply love the people we acquired them from. But it's time. Time to realize that those pictures are not my father, and by giving them away I am not giving away my memory of him. I simply cannot carry a closet full of paintings to each house I move to.

- Board games. I wish I could say we made a huge sacrifice here, but we simply got rid of board games that we had multiples of, or that I had never even played and/or heard of. We had two of the original Trivial Pursuit games, and seven - that's right, SEVEN - Scrabble games. Two travel Scrabbles, an Onyx edition, a Super Scrabble, two regular red boxed Scrabbles, and one older version of Scrabble. We only got rid of one of them I think. I still have some work to do on letting go of Scrabble. No wait - we decided to get rid of two. Either way, it was good to cleanse the game closet, and actually with the sheets gone we were able to add the games to what has previously been the overflowing linen closet.

- A couple of throw pillows. We recently discovered that we have 13 spare pillows in our house, not counting the ones on our bed. I thought about keeping these particular throw pillows (from a couch we have given away) for meditation practice, but who am I kidding? If I need a pillow I have PLENTY of alternatives.

That's it for now. Probably I should get rid of one set of sheets at a time so I can stretch that over the year for any other gifts I get, but I think that might be cheating. So we're taking them all at once.

When I'm finished with this blog, I'll be going to get the painting out of the car and hanging it on my wall. Maybe I'll post a picture. I will love having it, and love knowing what I had to give away in order to have it on the wall. Maybe I'll even appreciate it more that way!

The Princess and the Pea

It's hard to believe I've just now found time to sit down and blog after my return from Costa Rica. Between the MCLC Spelling Bee and just catching up on things I missed while I was gone, it's been pretty busy. But I have found a quiet moment, and I'm grateful for it.

It's actually my return from Costa Rica that I feel deserves a blog entry at the moment. We had a wonderful trip, but I was VERY excited to be heading home, and had been looking forward to a night back in my big, comfortable bed for some time. The truth is, I'm a very finicky sleeper. Our bed is just the right amount of soft and firm. It is a king size bed, necessary because I have a tendency to kick my legs in opposite directions across the bed taking up an inordinate amount of space. A down comforter is a must, even in the summer which is ridiculous because it means I have to blast the air conditioning to sleep comfortably. My pjs are of the minimalist variety - no sweatpants or sweatshirts or anything - because if the fabric folds under me the wrong way I'm uncomfortable. I HAVE to have white noise or I can't fall asleep. And all this isn't even the worst part. The worst part is that I sleep with two pillows (soft and squishy) behind my head, one pillow on either side of me (of course Jon doesn't like this), and a rice bag over my head. Yes, I said rice bag.

I discovered years ago that if I have a little weight on my head it helps me to fall asleep. I think I first learned this while traveling with a snorer because I was actually trying to block out light and sound. So it started with a random sweatshirt, or an extra blanket. But I learned that what I really like is the weight of the thing, and if I'm tossing and turning on any given night I can treat my insomnia with a couple of articles of clothing piled on top of my head. Over Christmas, my sister gave the whole family hand-made rice bags that could be put in the freezer or microwave to treat aches and pains. Though that was obviously the intention for the gift, the minute I opened it I was overjoyed with the perfection of it's size and weight. This rice bag would revolutionize my sleeping time. Probably my sister should have told us she was pregnant (our other Christmas present) first, instead of warming us up with the rice bags. She had no way of knowing my future niece or nephew would be almost overshadowed by a rice bag. But there you have it.

All of this is to give you a sense of how much I was looking forward to my return from Costa Rica, when I would be reunited with my wonderful bed. As a side note, I tend to sleep fine on mission trips because I'm SO tired that when I crawl into bed at night nothing could keep me from sleep. That and there's something to be said for being physically removed from the piles on your desk at work. But in Costa Rica I had no access to extra pillows, air conditioning, white noise, down comforters, or any of my other fixings. All I had was my rice bag, which is so fabulous, among all the other reasons listed, because I can just throw it in my suitcase.

We didn't get home from Costa Rica until 2:30 in the morning, thanks to some lost luggage (DON'T WORRY - we have three other rice bags in the house!), so I practically limped to bed. Can you imagine my dismay when I tried to nesled down into my sleeping position and felt my legs brush against small bumps? Our sheets had PILLED!

Oh how I hate pilly sheets! I hate them so much that we went to great lenghts to avoid them, and purchased very decent sheets for ourselves when what I really wanted was to opt for the cheaper ones. This current set of sheets (there have been several sets) was proving to be almost perfect because they don't come up off the bed - another common problem of ours that drives me crazy. I never considered that they would pill.... I thought they loved me.

When I started this Stuff Stand-off I never, never considered that my perfect sleep arrangement would be in jeopardy. I was so happy with these sheets that I couldn't possibly see a break up in our future. No way would I want to replace them! But let me tell you, the first place I wanted to be that Sunday night - even at 3am - was Bed, Bath, and Beyond, buying an even better set of sheets.

Obviously, this cannot happen. Sheets, when we have many other sets, simply cannot qualify as a household neccessity, no matter how important I think sleeping is. It looks like I will have to - God forbid - come up with another solution. Maybe I can adjust to sleeping with pajama pants so that I don't feel the pills in the sheets. Maybe I can hand pick off each pill. Maybe I can rotate the sheet so it won't be as bad. I'll have to figure something out. January is still a long way away.

Even as I crawled into bed lamenting over the pilliness though, I had the harsh realization of what a luxury it is to have the bed I have, in the home I have, and to be able to fix it exactly to my liking - even when that means buying multiple new sets of sheets. What kills me about this Stand-off is how often I find myself embarrassed at the things that I "need". Here I am just back from Costa Rica where the children I spent time with delighted in a $1 coloring book and don't even have shoes to wear after school as they walk around a construction site, and I'm over here devastated that I can't buy another set of sheets. It makes me cringe.

But I guess that was the point. I wanted to do this to see what happened, and what I'm finding is a remarkable shift in my perspective. I can't believe how much I don't need. I'll go ahead and figure out another way to be happy in my already-fantastic bed, and to stop being such a pill.

Costa Rican Stuff

Well this particular entry is being written from Costa Rica, where I'm traveling with a group from church for a mission trip. I'm extremely happy to be here, but have discovered that not only does Costa Rica have stuff, it has stuff I really want to buy!

But let me backtrack first and tell you about a stuff run-in I had on Thursday in downtown Southern Pines. On my way to get lunch at That's-a-Deli, I saw my friend Carolyn's car parked outside. Thinking she might have gone into RiverJacks (Southern Pines' great outdoor gear shop - my favorite!) for some supplies for our trip, I went in looking for her. I didn't find her, but I did find another friend who was there looking for supplies for a separate Costa Rica trip. Yelling to her I moved towards where she was, and it took a couple of seconds for the reality of the situation to sneak up on me - I was in the shoe department!!!! This is the worst possible place to be if you can't buy anything, because they have the finest shoes around. Cringing, I ran my hands over the leather and laces, pining after the sporty shoes, the work shoes, the North Face shoes... all of which I could have justified purchasing. But before I could get into any trouble I pulled my hand back quickly as if on a hot stove, said goodbye to Nancy, and moved next door to the deli. And I looked at that Cuban sandwich longingly like I could will it into being a shoe.

I survived though, and the next day left for the Rica. But there is SO much great stuff here - and we haven't even gotten to the souvenir-buying part of the trip! Wouldn't Jonathan love a t-shirt from this cool university where we stay? Wouldn't it be wonderful to bring back some beautiful beaded necklace to remind me of this particular mission trip? Shouldn't I do my part, as a tourist, to support the local economy? I confess - I'm a little more challenged than I thought I would be.

But I will stay strong. And instead of shopping, I'll write in my journal. Perhaps then, a few years from now, if I want some token or reminder from this trip, I can just read about it, close my eyes, and remember what it felt like to be here. I'm thinking that will be the greatest gift I can give myself while I'm here. Even if the trip would have seemed better if I had been wearing new shoes...

Adios Amigos!

Off to Durham we go...

The thing about doing the Stuff Stand-off in Southern Pines is that it's not that hard to avoid fabulous shopping experiences here in the Sandhills. While this area is changing and growing quickly, we've hardly exploded with shopping malls where any item you could wish for is available at all times. We have the basics - Bed, Bath, and Beyond, Best Buy, Walmart... but we're lacking some of my personal favorites: REI, Ann Taylor, and Target. So it's hardly a shopper's dream. Our biggest obstacle is to stay out of the hardware store, but that's easy enough to achieve because my biggest itch these days is to get my hands on a couple of new jackets and cardigans, and Lowe's can't help me there. The sad reality of living in Southern Pines is that if you really need to shop for something good, you have to leave town, which I have happily done for over two years. When I need something I head up to Durham where I used to visit my good friend Christy (before she bought a one-way ticket to California), and now I simply visit Southpoint - one of the finer malls I've ever been privileged to shop in. For someone stuck in an area where Peebles is one of the only places to buy clothing, Southpoint looks pretty incredible.

Needless to say, there have been no trips to Durham so far this year. Why bother? But this past weekend Jonathan and I wanted to head up there in order to see our friend Sarah's art exhibit at a great new gallery in the city. And I had one purchase I needed to make at REI - the coveted bug spray that I needed for my upcoming trip to Costa Rica on Saturday, and I need only the best for that, because malaria is an annoying little problem to have.

So we geared ourselves up and headed to the "big" city for a night on the town, blind to the challenges we'd face. We made ourselves a dinner reservation for as earliest possible times at one of our favorite restaurants - 7:30pm. But by the time we got up there it was only 4:30, so we had to find three hours worth of activities. No problem. We slowly headed toward the gallery to see Sarah's ceramic show.

We loved her show so much that we commented that we'd be totally interested in buying a few of her pieces to have at our house. It took a minute before we realized we'd have to ask her to save us a few of them until next year when we could bring them into the house. Conveniently there were 100 pieces to one of her displays, so we're hoping to get lucky. Laughing as we realized our dilemma we enjoyed the rest of her show, and the proceeded to slowly stroll through the rest of the space in the building, dedicated to many different artists who's work we could admire as we walked around.

Sure that we had killed plenty of time we got in the car to go get the bug spray. 5:30pm. Seriously? That didn't even take us more than an hour?

We pulled out of the parking lot and proceeded to drive slowly through downtown Durham, which actually doesn't take very long. After a few more minutes it became alarmingly clear to us that if shopping isn't on the list of alternatives, we have absolutely no idea how to spend our time in Durham.

Now I'm sure that there is plenty to do in the fine city of Durham. And to be honest with you, it was a little embarrassing to not be able to think of anything. To fast-forward briefly to the end of this story, we went by our restaurant and scored when they sat us an hour before our reservation time. We ate and got the bug spray and headed home for an early bedtime - a must for me on a Saturday. So we dodged the awkward hour that would have been spent wandering aimlessly through REI with only bug spray in our hands. But even having dodged that bullet, it got me thinking.

This is actually reminiscent to me of the time I gave up my cell phone for a few years. It took a while for me to figure out how to function without it. How did people know how to find each other if they were supposed to meet up? How did you let people know you were running behind? How could you help yourself if you got lost? All of these very legitimate questions left me completely befuddled. What I learned, over time, was the value of planning ahead. Fascinating concept, I know. But it turns out if you have directions, make clear plans about where and when you will meet people, and give yourself the right amount of time to get someplace, then life is actually pretty manageable after all - even without a cell phone.

Perhaps we'll need to examine this idea in our travels. Since killing time in stores is not an option, we may want to consider some of the other things there are to do in the cities we visit. Maybe there are other museums or galleries to see, maybe we could call our friends and stop by and say hello, maybe we could go for a walk. I'm sure there are other things we can do with our time that might even be more fulfilling than shopping, but we'll have to put a little effort into it.

I think we're up for the challenge. In this amazing country we live in I'm thinking there are plenty of great things that we can see and explore and do. I just have to think like the Boy Scouts and be prepared. So watch out Durham - here we come!

What Not to Wear

In case you don't already know, tonight's episode of TLC's show What Not to Wear will feature the make-over of a young female Episcopal priest! That's right, Stacy and Clinton bust into an Episcopal church in... shoot, the Midwest somewhere, and take hold of the Assistant Rector, who works with a priest I know and respect very much. I mean, if they guy was excited about his fellow clergy person heading off to New York for the week to buy clothes he's got to be respectable, right?

Anyway, female clergy everywhere are rejoicing about this occasion as we have been wishing for this very thing to happen for some time. That said, I hold in my heart a hefty dose of jealousy that the priest in question wasn't ME. Who doesn't want Stacy and Clinton to come take over our wardrobes?

My witty friend Sarah, when I was sharing about my jealousy by email, astutely pointed out that had it been me, she felt like it might come into conflict with our little Stuff Stand-off. Very funny Sarah. And painfully true.

Truth is just this past week I've been daydreaming a bit about having some new work clothing - pants in particular - in my closet. You see, I have a couple of pairs of pants that are my old standbys, the ones I can be seen wearing at least once a week (and sometimes twice, I'm embarrassed to admit). And the old standbys are starting to look a little ragged. The black pair is faded, the gray pair is stained and getting kind of baggy, my khaki pair was very recently dried by my well-meaning husband, and my darker khakis have a hole in them right where you really don't want a hole but not on the easily-fixable seam. So you see what I mean? It's dire.

But of course, no pants for me. Instead after a couple of weeks of feeling progressively worse about how I look each day, I've been forced to consider if clothing is really the problem. Because actually, three of the four pairs of my 'old standbys' are relatively new. I bought them only months ago, and was so happy when I did. I was sure that these pants were the answer to my wardrobe woes, and I could make it happily through another year. But I think I might have overestimated the power of pants.

The more I think about, the more I realize that my problem isn't that I don't have just the right pants, sweaters, shirts, whatever. The problem is that I struggle with my self-image, which is an entirely different issue than having the right pair of pants. I compare myself to others constantly, and I can generally find something superior about the people I'm comparing myself to. They have great pants or beautiful hair or a better bone structure or they are thin and willowy... the list goes on and on. I've especially experienced this lately at the yoga classes that I've started attending. Yes - yoga - a meditative practice based on the principles of non-judgment and peace of mind - and I fill my hour there battling my brain which desperately wants to pine over what the other students look like while I struggle with my poses in my frumpy yoga pants. Wanting to avoid this dreadful comparison to others at this morning's class I moved to the front of the room up to the mirrors, so that the only person I could look at was myself. Interestingly, I found this to be challenging too because of the critical thoughts that I forced on myself throughout the class. Finally catching myself, I made eye contact with my image in the mirror, and sighed saying to myself (only in my mind, I promise): "Meaghan, you're okay."

The class got easier after that. I loosened up a bit, enjoyed the other people in the class, and tried to credit myself for the things I did well instead of berating myself for not being a pretzel who could wind my leg up behind my head (okay, truth be told we were only doing forward bends, but I can't really do those either). I imagine I am like countless others who began something like this and had to practice in order to get better - novel idea. I want to also consider that while I might get better, there might be some parts of yoga I always struggle with. And I might always - just a little - wish I could look like those tall, uber-thin, lanky girls that can bend and stretch as easily as I can emote. But I all I can do for now is recognize those thoughts when the come up and keep looking at myself in the mirror and telling myself I'm okay. Maybe someday I'll even be better than okay.

I left yoga and spent the day not shopping, and for the first time since this Stand-off began I think I can say with some certainty that had it not been for this project, I absolutely would have been shopping. Looking for the pants that would completely transform the way I think about myself. In other words, looking for something I could never find in a store.

I'll eagerly be watching What Not to Wear tonight, hanging on every piece of advice Stacy and Clinton dole out. And I'll be hoping, while I watch, that some kind of transformation actually does happen for the woman who will learn a new style of dress, as so often seems to happen on the show. But for myself, I will work on the kind of transformation that can't be had from a couple of new outfits. Instead I'll keep looking at that mirror - gray stained pants and all - and telling myself I'm okay. Maybe after 11 more months saying it, the idea will start to sink in.

One month down, eleven to go.

Well it's Janaury 31st, and Jonathan and I have made it through one month without bringing any new stuff into our home. I'm surprised both by how easy it has been to not buy new things, and by how much I have learned about myself already in the process. Though it hasn't been too hard to hold back, there has still been lots of unexpected awareness handed to us during the Stand-off.

All things considered though, the universe has been kind of easy on us this month. For example this weekend we had two empty days with nothing planned when we normally could have taken on any number of projects or shopping endeavors with our time off. But instead of even being tempted to do so, we were snowed in (in North Carolina!). I'm not sure if we could get our car out of the driveway if we tried. Instead we spent three glorious days (because even church was canceled)reading books, sorting through old papers that have long needed attention, watching movies, and playing trivial pursuit. It has been wonderful.

The other thing to consider is that November and December were very busy months for us when we did a lot of traveling, shopping, spending and home improvement. In many ways it has been easy for us to resist all of those things in January because we are still exhausted and trying to recover. I expect that in another month or two, when the sun comes out and the credit card balance returns to normal, we'll have renewed energy for these activities. I will be curious to see what happens then. Will we tire of playing Trivial Pursuit? Perhaps.

For today, I'm still pretty excited about the Stand-off, and Jonathan and I are enjoying the journey. But on a serious note, I'm extremely grateful that we are in a place in our lives where we can take on a challenge just for the fun of it. In the midst of our cozy snow day yesterday we learned that two students at our Episcopal School lost their dad last week when he was killed in Afghanistan. All day yesterday and now today, when I've been happily hunkered down in my sweatpants, waves of sadness have washed over me while I think of this family and the tragedy they have just experienced. I am always humbled when I hear this kind of news and can place my own problems in their true perspective. It suddenly makes a Stuff Stand-off seem futile and silly. But we can't stop living our lives in the midst of death. We can certainly, however, stop and offer up our gratitude for what we have. So I'll sign off on January with many prayers for a heartbroken family, with renewed perspective about what really matters, and with deep gratitude for my life just as it is right now. I am extremely blessed.

Let's rip up the deck!

It happened innocently enough. I was having a good day that suddenly turned worse when I had a conversation with someone that just put me in a sour mood. Frustrated and wanting some time off before coming back to work for a meeting, I went home and immediately changed into sweatpants to curl up in bed for a quick nap before Jonathan got home.

While I was changing, I looked out the bedroom windows, as I often do, to admire our beautiful backyard. Studying it a little more closely, I decided that a year was long enough to go without raking, and perhaps Jonathan and I could spend some of our day off on Saturday doing just that.

Then, as casually as that I thought:

"And while we're at it, we should rip up the ground level deck and see how much of that wood can be used again when we finally do the upper level deck we've been talking about doing. We could clear away that part of the yard, and have a sense of what it will look like with the new design."

After that I was even a little proud of myself, thinking about how environmentally savvy my new plan was and how much money we'd save using the wood that was already there instead of using new wood. All we'd have to buy now (in 2011 of course) would be some posts and cement and hardware. It would be great!

Jonathan came home after my nap and I informed him of my plan and lamented about my day (though maybe not in that order). He was telling me about his day when all of a sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks.

"Oh my goodness!" I interrupted, "I can't believe I'm that obvious!"

I'm ashamed to admit it, but I am totally predictable. I have a bad day and I want to rip up something in the house. Jonathan and I can convince ourselves all we want that we're improving the value of our home, but as I painfully discovered the other day it is about far more than that. My deck is something I can control, when I can't necessarily control a conversation at work. I can work on a project on the deck so intensely that I won't need to eat, or sleep, or feel. I'll be so engrossed, and so satisfied with the final outcome, that there will be no room in my head for anything difficult that may have happened in the week before. Ripping up the deck would (temporarily) solve all of my problems.

I can't say for sure if I would have noticed this connection prior to the Stuff Stand-off. I had to pause because I knew that we couldn't buy anything at Lowes, and so whatever we accomplished would only be the breaking down part of things and not the building up. And what would I do? Keep a pile of deck wood sitting around in the backyard for ELEVEN MONTHS until we were finally able to rebuild? And then what - magically in the cold of January we'd want to finish up an outdoor project? I wasn't even trying to see through the end of my home improvement fantasy. I wanted only the instant gratification of change I could control.

It was the pause I think that helped me to realize what a direct correlation my bad day had to my desire to tear up something new. I was quickly hanging my head and laughing at myself, totally pegged with no one to blame. I think I'm so hard to figure out sometimes, but it seems that I just need to take a breath long enough to really see what I'm up to.

I'm not sure what we'll be doing this weekend. We might be snowed in (which would have made for a really great day ripping up the deck!). We might read books. We might watch movies. We might have to reflect a little bit on the week at work, and work through those things that were hard for us. But there will be NO home improvement projects happening at this address this weekend. No matter how hard I might try to convince myself it's a good idea...

Conviction at Convention

So imagine if you will a whole convention hall filled with the stuff that you feel dorkiest about. I don't know what your 'thing' is, but you know it, so I'm sure you can take part in this imagination exercise. Maybe it's musicals or Star Trek or yoga or boy bands... whatever it is, imagine a whole exhibit area where every table has something that's totally interesting to you - and half of those tables are selling something that you definitely want.

That was what North Carolina's Diocesan Convention felt like to me this past weekend in Winston-Salem. I know it's totally dorky, but walking into that convention hall with all those wonderful booths just full all kinds of great churchy stuff - why, it was the hardest the Stuff Stand-off has been so far.

You see some of these booths had amazing things for sale: book after book that I'm certain I could benefit from, beautiful scarves from Jerusalem, hand-made wooden sculpted crosses, and the very hardest thing to resist - fleece jackets with the seal of the Diocese on them. And we ALL know I need a fleece jacket!!

It was hard. It was really hard. I watched all those people around me wrap their necks in beautiful scarves and slip on their fleece jackets as the walked outside into the cold afternoon and I looked down at my old black jacket that is stained and dirty and has pricker marks on it from walking through wooded paths in Spain, and I wanted something new. I wanted the smell of a coat that had never been worn and the feel of a never-read book resting in my palm. Oh yeah... I felt it.

Instead, I drank lots of water out of a water bottle that was given to me at the Camp Kanuga booth, that I promise I'll be giving away now that I'm back home. And I sat at my little table in the convention hall and shuffled my papers in front of me and tried hard to pay attention to everything that was happening in front of me. And with a sigh, I avoided the table where the jackets were being sold, and averted my eyes as I walked by.

There's something else that I left Convention without though: buyer's remorse. At events like that it has been so easy for me to get caught up in the experience and buy all kinds of things that I really like but don't necessarily need (I do have lots of scarves already). By the time it's over I leave with my arms full of stuff, thinking that I could have gotten by with just a little less and my bank account would feel better for it. But this year at Convention, I purchased only one glass of wine that I slowly enjoyed with a good friend and colleague that I hadn't seen in far too long at our hotel bar. And while it was a little overpriced, a $7.00 Convention is a whole lot less than I've paid in the past. And now that I'm not looking at it any more, I'm not that sad that I don't have that jacket.

Though maybe they'll sell it again next year...

the danger of delusional thinking

Not too long ago my husband and I came into a large sum of money, the likes of which we'd never really seen before. We live quite comfortably already, and did not have an immediate need for all that money, though some of it did help to offset some missing income when Jonathan was out of work for a bit. But even with that spent on bills and necessities, there was plenty left over.

We thought quite a bit about what we wanted to do with that money, and made mostly careful decisions about it. Investing some was obviously part of the plan, along with some home improvements and a vacation. But even when we had a plan for all that money, I noticed a change in our mentality. And we started acting differently. Like we had a bunch of money or something.

It caught me by surprise, this false-abundance feeling. Suddenly we started buying things that we might not otherwise have purchased, or at least not immediately, like new living room couches. We had no intention of paying for the couches with the money - we had a plan for that money, remember? But for some reason because we knew that money was there, it was easy to spend other money. Because, you know, we had that money.

Even as I write it now it makes no sense to me, but I'm sitting on the proof of that way of thinking while I write this. We overspent and overindulged because we felt so positive about the money we'd been given. We were rich! (or more correctly, we felt rich)

Then, as would be expected, the bills started rolling in, and we'd spent and invested the money just like we'd planned. And suddenly we didn't feel so rich anymore.

I've learned, as a result, to be a little leery about that kind of abundance thinking that we got trapped in. While I always want to operate out of a place of abundance (in a dorky, theological way), I think it's probably a good idea to operate our finances out of a slightly more conservative place.

Or at least I thought I'd learned that. But what do you know, the Stuff Stand-off comes along. And while the purpose of this Stand-off is not, I repeat - not to save us money, we have at least considered that saving money will be a possible side effect. And so what do we do? We start dreaming about what we can do instead of shopping.

"Let's go to Europe!"
"Let's spend a weekend in New York!"
"Let's spend two weeks in AUGUST on the Carolina coast with a house right on the beach!"

Before we'd gotten too far though (or made any reservations, thankfully) reality came crashing back down on us today. This reality looked something like a root canal and a destroyed transmission. So long New York.

The thing is, life always happens. And we might save money in one area, but it's never a bad idea to set that money aside for the day that life dishes us up some expensive challenges. Painful as those reminders are (I mean literally - my root canal was really uncomfortable) it's good to have them. Saved money can be just that - saved money. Not "spent someplace else" money. Sigh.

I'm glad we caught ourselves in the act this quickly, actually, before I bought another couch or something. The truth is that it's shopping that got us to this place in the first place, so we have a little hole that we can dig ourselves out of. No need to get delusional, not to mention WAY ahead of ourselves, and start spending that which we have not yet saved. Instead of our expensive travel plans, we might just hunker down and enjoy this house we've put so much work into. I need to get my money's worth out of these couches.