What Not to Wear

In case you don't already know, tonight's episode of TLC's show What Not to Wear will feature the make-over of a young female Episcopal priest! That's right, Stacy and Clinton bust into an Episcopal church in... shoot, the Midwest somewhere, and take hold of the Assistant Rector, who works with a priest I know and respect very much. I mean, if they guy was excited about his fellow clergy person heading off to New York for the week to buy clothes he's got to be respectable, right?

Anyway, female clergy everywhere are rejoicing about this occasion as we have been wishing for this very thing to happen for some time. That said, I hold in my heart a hefty dose of jealousy that the priest in question wasn't ME. Who doesn't want Stacy and Clinton to come take over our wardrobes?

My witty friend Sarah, when I was sharing about my jealousy by email, astutely pointed out that had it been me, she felt like it might come into conflict with our little Stuff Stand-off. Very funny Sarah. And painfully true.

Truth is just this past week I've been daydreaming a bit about having some new work clothing - pants in particular - in my closet. You see, I have a couple of pairs of pants that are my old standbys, the ones I can be seen wearing at least once a week (and sometimes twice, I'm embarrassed to admit). And the old standbys are starting to look a little ragged. The black pair is faded, the gray pair is stained and getting kind of baggy, my khaki pair was very recently dried by my well-meaning husband, and my darker khakis have a hole in them right where you really don't want a hole but not on the easily-fixable seam. So you see what I mean? It's dire.

But of course, no pants for me. Instead after a couple of weeks of feeling progressively worse about how I look each day, I've been forced to consider if clothing is really the problem. Because actually, three of the four pairs of my 'old standbys' are relatively new. I bought them only months ago, and was so happy when I did. I was sure that these pants were the answer to my wardrobe woes, and I could make it happily through another year. But I think I might have overestimated the power of pants.

The more I think about, the more I realize that my problem isn't that I don't have just the right pants, sweaters, shirts, whatever. The problem is that I struggle with my self-image, which is an entirely different issue than having the right pair of pants. I compare myself to others constantly, and I can generally find something superior about the people I'm comparing myself to. They have great pants or beautiful hair or a better bone structure or they are thin and willowy... the list goes on and on. I've especially experienced this lately at the yoga classes that I've started attending. Yes - yoga - a meditative practice based on the principles of non-judgment and peace of mind - and I fill my hour there battling my brain which desperately wants to pine over what the other students look like while I struggle with my poses in my frumpy yoga pants. Wanting to avoid this dreadful comparison to others at this morning's class I moved to the front of the room up to the mirrors, so that the only person I could look at was myself. Interestingly, I found this to be challenging too because of the critical thoughts that I forced on myself throughout the class. Finally catching myself, I made eye contact with my image in the mirror, and sighed saying to myself (only in my mind, I promise): "Meaghan, you're okay."

The class got easier after that. I loosened up a bit, enjoyed the other people in the class, and tried to credit myself for the things I did well instead of berating myself for not being a pretzel who could wind my leg up behind my head (okay, truth be told we were only doing forward bends, but I can't really do those either). I imagine I am like countless others who began something like this and had to practice in order to get better - novel idea. I want to also consider that while I might get better, there might be some parts of yoga I always struggle with. And I might always - just a little - wish I could look like those tall, uber-thin, lanky girls that can bend and stretch as easily as I can emote. But I all I can do for now is recognize those thoughts when the come up and keep looking at myself in the mirror and telling myself I'm okay. Maybe someday I'll even be better than okay.

I left yoga and spent the day not shopping, and for the first time since this Stand-off began I think I can say with some certainty that had it not been for this project, I absolutely would have been shopping. Looking for the pants that would completely transform the way I think about myself. In other words, looking for something I could never find in a store.

I'll eagerly be watching What Not to Wear tonight, hanging on every piece of advice Stacy and Clinton dole out. And I'll be hoping, while I watch, that some kind of transformation actually does happen for the woman who will learn a new style of dress, as so often seems to happen on the show. But for myself, I will work on the kind of transformation that can't be had from a couple of new outfits. Instead I'll keep looking at that mirror - gray stained pants and all - and telling myself I'm okay. Maybe after 11 more months saying it, the idea will start to sink in.